I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
