Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
