I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
