Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
