we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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