Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
