I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can vaginas get frostbite?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
