i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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