Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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