i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
