holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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