i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
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Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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