so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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