wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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