Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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