I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
