I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
