so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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