we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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