News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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