So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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