i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
