the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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