I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
