Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
