I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
