I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
