someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
