my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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