Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
