Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
