Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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