My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
