sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
