I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
