Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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