Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
