I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Randomize
