Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
