dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
