It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
