I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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