Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
