I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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