Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
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He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
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Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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