I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
