mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
