i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
