hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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