wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
