i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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