At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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