I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize