I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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