Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
