Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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