Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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