I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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