you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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