Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
