would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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