Umm I'm too high to move.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
