Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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